In the last post we discussed why we should aim for happiness. Our suffering comes from our rejection of our here and now. This rejection is characterized by emotions that don’t feel pleasant: boredom, anger, frustration, despair, and so on --- emotions that we feel when we do not like what’s going on. These are painful emotions. And they often distract us from doing the wise thing. Or they sap the energy we would otherwise have for doing the loving thing. Or, as in the case of anger, they unleash energy that often is then channeled into doing the harmful thing. Happiness gives us an equilibrium --- a balance or centeredness --- that allows us to focus on doing right. Happiness and obedience go together (Ps. 119:1-2). But what can we do to reprogram our responses to life so that we are not caught in the trap of focusing on security, pleasure and power?
There is no harm in trying to get what we want provided we don’t demand it. Demanding is an emotional event, not usually verbal. It is what Paul says love is not (I Co. 13:5b). When we don’t get what want and our response is to be caught up in feelings of rejecting that circumstance, then we have effectively demanded that things be different. Maybe we ask for a raise and are turned down and feel unappreciated or angry. Those are emotions that separate us from our here and now: it’s us refusing to accept what’s happening and those emotions are painful. They turn us in towards ourselves and are a barrier to the outward flowing of love. If love is our objective, a more effective tactic would be to take steps to get what we want, but emotionally accept the situation if we don’t get it. In fact, Jesus tells us to ask for what we want (Mt 7:7), and Paul counsels us to request from God when we want something (Ph 4:6).
The first step in getting something is to seek it. We can also ask people. If we ask for it, there is a higher chance of getting it than if we don’t. Yet sometimes we don’t ask. Why? Perhaps the reasons we fail to ask God are not the same reasons we fail to ask people.
When we don’t ask God, sometimes it is because our request isn’t important to us, but more often it is because we don’t believe asking him will make a difference. But Hebrews 11:6 reminds us that he rewards those who seek him.
We fail to ask people for what we want, and it may be because we think they’ll be angry (we don’t want to be rejected: it is us being run by our security addiction). Sometimes we think they already know what we want, but that is God’s power (Mt 6:8). People usually can’t read our minds.
Life is simpler if we just ask for what we want. Let’s be direct. Don’t tiptoe around the issue. Don’t try to butter up the potential benefactor. Just ask. Don’t accuse them inwardly if they say No. That is their prerogative. And if they do say No, we don’t have to retreat. We don’t have to suffocate the relationship by playing the silent victim. We can simply ask….without stress in our voice….without playing games….without making threats….without emotionally demanding that we get what we want. No, let’s just ask. Be specific. Be definite. We need to ask in the same frame of emotions from which we ask for things that don’t matter a lot to us. “Please pass the salt” is not likely to trigger painful emotions if the request is ignored or denied. We need to learn to ask for everything in that way when we are asking people. With God, we can plead, we can reason, we can cajole. In fact we ought to be fervent with him (Jms 5:16). He is not people. People can get their own security, sensation and power addictions triggered by us. God cannot.
The point is that we ought to ask other people for things with the same tone of voice as “Please don’t forget to pick up the eggs.” No stress. No big deal. We can ask for money, sex, no sex, assistance of all kinds clearly and specifically without making a big issue out of it. This takes practice, but it can be done. This doesn’t mean hinting. It doesn’t mean beating around the bush so people have to guess at what we want. It doesn’t mean moping until someone asks what’s wrong. It doesn’t mean not asking today because the answer was No yesterday.
What if the answer is No? In that case, if we are to have the happiness that energizes love, we don’t emotionally demand that it be Yes. We don’t have a demanding frame of mind. We don’t play the “if you love me” game nor the guilt trip game. No sharp tone of voice. No pouting silence. Only vibes of friendly acceptance. Demanding --- feeling those separating emotions that show we don’t like what’s going on --- saps our happiness and consequently our energy and our ability to think clearly without filtering what’s happening through our security, pleasure and power addictions. In short, demanding impairs our love, joy, and peace, but also our wisdom and insight, and even our good humor. Things do not go better with demanding.
The way to stop demanding is to trust God to take care of things (Ph. 4:6). I know that’s hard. I mean why pray when you can worry, right?
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